back and gone again
So sorry it's been a long time since I've written again! I am in the middle of packing right now as it is actually. Chris and I are leaving tomorrow morning for Chatnooga to see some friends of his that are in college down there and then we might see some family of his there too and then we're gonna go to my Aunt and Uncle's house for the rest of the weekend until we come home on Sunday morning. I have Spring Break this week so that's why Chris and I are leaving this week.

I have so much to catch up on. Wow. Ummm... I don't remember where I left off so I'll just wing out a couple thoughts...

I'm looking for a used Hyundai Tiburon, year 2001-2003 with low miles and under 10 grand. I have found 3 so far, but all with faults. 1 was sold by a private seller 140 miles away from my place. The miles wasn't as bad as the trying to find 10 grand to hand over to this guy. The other 2 cars were found at two seperate dealerships, but both were 5-speeds and I want an automatic. The place that Chris bought his car from is looking for the car I want so maybe something will turn up. I would just buy from a Hyundai dealer in town, but Chris and I would rather buy from Younger Toyota, where he bought his car last year.

Uhhh. I can't think of anything off hand to mention so I'm gonna finish packing and get a shower. I gotta meet Chris for lunch at noon and go to work after that until 5:30... and then Chris and I have to be up at the firehall till 10 and then we gotta go grocery shopping for the trip! Whew! Busy, busy, busy... I know. :)

angel quiz

You are a normal angel. Innocent and pure. Full of
light and hope. You love to be around others,
and really know how to have a good time. You
enjoy hanging around with mortals. You like ti
sing, which you are great at, and like to have
others near you. People are naturally attracted
to your bubbly personaliy, and love to be
around you. Normal angels are always popular,
and have lots of fans. You are happy go lucky,
with an interesting out look on the world. Though you have experienced pain, that is all
behind you now. You see the bright side to
things, and are always there to help a person
in need. You are quite pretty, with a childish
air, though you know more than others think. You are a really friendly person. But can be a tad
selfish at times. You are bright and full of energy. Better get my shades!

What Type Of Angel Have You Become?
brought to you by Quizilla

'tis been a while
Like the title... it's been a while since I've last written... so I figured it was time for a little update. I don't know how much longer I'll be writing my thoughts online. I don't like keeping them bottled up inside and typing them out is a way of releasing my emotions and memories and controling my thoughts. I've always kept a diary or journal since at least the third grade. (That's the earliest I remember.) So... I dunno.

Anyways, the past few days have been really sweet... of course, being it's been V-day and V-day preceeding days, lol. Chris got me a leather jacket on Wednesday for our 8 month anniversary/ Valentine's Day present. I absolutly love it. I've never owned one and I love the way it looks. Then Thursday morning, I went shopping for him and bought him a watch and a white bear holding a heart picture frame and in it, I put a picture of us when we went snow tubing. I also got the watch engraved and he loved it a lot, which of course I was really hoping. I gave it to him yesterday and he also bought me a diamond two hearts linked necklace which I really love too! =) I've been kinda hoping lol that he would eventually get me one so I could have a silver necklace to wear like all the time so it would also remind me of him throughout the day. I've also been wanting one since my ex bought me a heart necklace and I didn't want to wear it after we broke up so it just sits on my dresser now. I've only kept it as kinda like a payment to everything he "owes" me. I spent so much money on him it wasn't funny... and 'sides, he told me to keep it. So of course I did. I can't sell it cause it wouldn't be worth near as much as I want for it, and that's not exactly the gesture I wanna take anyways... so I think I'm going to give it to my daughter one day. So anyways, as I was saying... Umm... Also, we went out to Olive Garden on Thursday night cause we didn't want to battle the traffic and people on V-Day who wanted to go out and eat fancy for the occasion. The food, like always, was excellent and sharing a piece of chocolate mousse pie for dessert completed the meal with love and smiles. :p We walked the Frederick mall afterwards and the rest of the night will remain in my memory. :) In conclusion, Chris made this the best Valentine's ever. Not because of the gifts... however they were VERY nice, lol, but because of him. I have finally found the perfect man to spend Valentines Day AND the rest of my life and the next 70+ V-Days with.

I couldn't be any happier with any one else. Life is wonderful. =)

sorry i'm so confusing
I love my fiance so much. I hate being the way I am sometimes. I have the best man alive and yet, all I do is pick. He does anything and everything for me and yet, I can never be completely satisfied... or so it seems. I am satisfied... even moreso... but I can't help, but get upset over the littlest things sometimes. I don't mean to. Maybe I just want everything more perfect than it is now... if it can possibly get that way. I don't know.

Warning. This is going to be one confusing entry.

I really do hate being this way, although my parents have told me that I've been this way all my life. Is it me or is it the way God made me? My parents have given me so much in life and no matter what... I always want more. I bend the rules a little... and then I want them bent a lot. I love Chris JUST the way he is... and then I have to ask more of him. Why do I do it?! I don't wanna go into detail about this matter... all I know is that I hate myself for it. I don't want him to think that I don't love him RIGHT NOW for who HE IS... cause I do love him for everything. I couldn't ask for anyone better... and yet, I ask him to change some habits anyways. I almost can't even stand talking about this cause I feel like I'm talkin in circles and damn, I dunno.

I'm selfish. I guess that's all it comes down to. He's got me so jealous and bitter to every girl he sees. He's got me wanting to get married tomorrow and move out with him the next day. He's got me to the point where I can't live without him and that scares me. I think about it all the time about what I'd do without him and I almost hate even saying it cause I'm afraid God will take him away from me, just to test me. I thank God so often for him. I, of all people, certainly don't deserve a guy as great as him...

...and yet I'm still selfish.

I need help. I need to talk to him, but I can't call him and wake him and his family up... and he for some reason didn't get my page... so now I'm left to have my heart in the pit of my stomach... me thinking... and gulping breaths... needing to talk to him. I wrote him and email saying how sorry I was and why I couldn't tell him earlier what was exactly wrong. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to see him cry. The silly thing is that its not even that big a deal... I've just blown it up in my mind to be a big deal.

I'm glad no one really reads my diary or else I'm sure I've confused them. Basically, I'm just talking to myself for who knows what reason except to attempt to straighten things out in my head... it's not working all that well though I'm afraid. Hmmm... well I'm going to page him one last time and hope I'm not waking him from that deep of a sleep... if he is even asleep already... however, that wouldn't surprise me. Goodnight.

snow day!
I am so so so very excited... kinda. College is closed today and my mom called in at work and said that neither of us were coming in 'cause of the roads still being a little bad and the office doesn't open until 1 anyways. (My mom and I work at the same doctor's office.) So, the bad news is that I'm stuck at home all day WITH my parents and my brother AND I can't go to see Chris for lunch or meet him at his house when he gets home 'cause my mom said she wants me to stay home. I guess I can look on the bright side... umm... I can get stuff done today like ummm... this journal entry... clean my room... ummm... hmmm... I'm gonna have to work on that list a little later. For now, I guess I should just be excited about the pretty snow that is piled over my car. :/

So, what to talk about? It's been so long? OooOOOoo... ok, here's something... Heidi is taking Fire 1 along with Jeff, "Lum" (a guy from my station that I know), and here's the hitch... Will. Yeah. I can't say that I'm happy about that. I don't know why. I mean, before when Heidi and I were working together and I told her of Will and I's past... she wanted to kill him. She always talked about how much she wanted to yell and scream at him for treating me the way he did and now when I talked to her the other day and she said she saw him... she is acting like she wants to be friends with him. She was all worried about making a good impression cause she said she didn't wear as nice of clothes as she would have had she known who it was... I'm thinking, "Do you wanna get laid?!" Damn, she pisses me off sometimes. I know Will wouldn't flirt with her or fuck her or anything because I just can't see him going for someone that young or that girly and immature. He's very big on a girl being mature and not that goofy and highschoolish. He is the type of guy however that would do anything for a bj, so I dunno. It just makes me mad to think that she's trying to be his friend now. Will is the type of guy that I wish wouldn't be how he is most of the time. He's a funny guy and actually pretty thoughtful and caring IF... I say very strongly, IF, his other attributes don't get in the way. I mean, he WOULD cheat on his gf for sex, he would call other girls and talk for hours on end and not think anything of it even if he had a gf 'cause he would feel that the girlfriend should understand that their just friends... and I believe that to a degree, but anyways, he plays with people's heads too. Grr... I could go on about his faults, but I would spend an eternity and a day writing them. He's just the type of guy that just once you start to befriend him again and think he's changed... he reminds you of how much you really do hate him.

He's called me a couple times on my old cell phone 'cause he wanted to talk and see how things were going, but I haven't called him back. Maybe I can just tell Heidi to tell him that that isn't my phone anymore so I don't have to call him or email him. However, I can see Heidi giving him my new number and swearing someone else gave it to him, like Jeff. Mmmmhmmm, suuuure. Ugh, I really hope she doesn't. She'll be dead crap.

Anyways, I'm getting hungry. I think I'll grab a bite to eat and I'll be back later to write once I remember some stuff to stay. Later!

talk and make no sense moods
Well, well. I don't know what to say really. I haven't written in a long time. Not too much out of the ordinary has been happening, that I can think of off hand, but today IS Chris and I's 7 month anniversary!!!!! I'm so excited. Later today at 2, I plan on meeting Steph at the mall to try on clothes and take pictures, while Chris goes to my house to play Axis and Allis with my brother like he promised him. Then after Steph and I are almost done doing our thang at the mall, I'm gonna call Chris so he can meet me at Crazy Horse for "lupper". We love that place.

Homer is here by the side of my chair in his bed knawing on his rope piggy. He's so adorable! :p

I can't wait to go see Steph. She is the one friend that I have that I can talk to about anything and joke around about anything. Most of my friends from highschool are so sheltered and what not that I can't really talk to. For instance, my one other best friend... I had to tell her what a 69 is. Yeah. It's that bad. Anywho, Steph and I always have a blast together. It's gonna be great. It's just kinda funny cause she's so much shorter than me and we act a lot the same... just the whole goofy, happy- go- luckyness, lol.

I think Chris is gonna go out of the shower soon... I just heard the water shut off. I guess I really don't have anything to write about for now, but I may have some things to talk about later or I may remember something I wanted to ramble about later and I'll be back to write. Lol, sorry if that made no sense. I'm just in one of those talk and make no sense moods. I start college again Monday... maybe that has something to do with it. Hm?! I dunno why it would, but anyways, lol. I gotta go. Later!

i've got a baby!!!!
Well, right now while I'm typing this, I have a 9 1/2 week old baby shaking a piggy behind me. Hehe, it's a puppy... a black lab/dashound puppy. Chris gave it to me on Christmas Eve as my Christmas present. He couldn't have given me a better gift. I've ALWAYS wanted a puppy, but my parents would never allow me to have a pet that wasn't caged up. Chris also bought him toys and food and bowls and such and my mom got us a doggy bed. We named the puppy Homer because it seemed to fit him just right and we wanted a named that wasn't well used, plus we also watch a lot of the Simpsons, lol.

Hmmm... I think Homer finally calmed down and is going to sleep. :p

I have so much to write about and catch up on! Christmas was great. My parents spoiled both me and Chris. I got a bunch of dressy shirts 'cause I need them for work. (I later bought 2 dress pants to go with them.) I also got a $40 JCPenny's gift card, I-Zone Polaroid sticky film camera, travel Yatzee, Christmas tree ornaments, lap top carry case, lots of spending cash, and a crap load of more stuff that isn't coming to mind off the top of my head. On Christmas morning, mom saved a couple presents to give my brother and I before breakfast and after we opened them they surprised my brother and I with extra special gifts. Jeff got a new computer and I got a 5.0 Mega Pixels digital camera! I'm taking a digital photography class in the spring so I'm sure it'll help to have a camera, lol, 'sides, the camera has already proved itself useful in snapping SO MANY pictures of Homer! :p

Christmas Eve is when my family gets together for supper and exchange gifts. (This is when I recieved most of what I listed earlier.) My family also, like I said, spoiled Chris. My parents bought the two of us Simpson's Monopoly, gift certificates for restaurants like McDonald's, Ryans, Arby's, and Chick-Fil-A, and they also bought us tickets to the Mall Theatre! There was sooo much money put into all that. Oh, yeah! And they also got us a $50 gift card for Sheetz which has already been well used. Family members of mine bought him a bunch of fire fighter stuff such as Christmas ornaments and plaques. (I got him a poster in a frame that he had really wanted.) They also bought him a board game that isn't sold in stores anymore, that they had to order online that he really wanted. He also got a travel Scrabble, two different gift cards for Sears to buy tools (each for $50), and a gift card for JCPenny's. Wow, I know theres a lot more, but all the things he got aren't coming to mind either.

His family was also very good to us on Christmas morning. They bought my a plushie Stitch that I absolutly adore (and told Chris that I wanted), angel candles, an electric windshield scraper, alarm clock, shirts and sweatshirts, bath and body works stuff, scarf and gloves, blanket... and so much more! I feel bad for leaving anything out 'cause I loved everything I got from everyone. My aunt and uncle even snail mailed presents to Chris and Chris's grandmother and aunt from Iowa sent my stuff. After we opened presents at his house, his parents, Chris, me, and his sister and brother- in- law, ate lunch together. This was the best Christmas ever... not because of the great gifts, but the thought behind each one... especially Homer. =)

I'm soooo looking forward to tonight, being New Year's Eve. The hardest part will be trying to not remember what happened last year and who I was with. It will be easy once I'm with Chris and we are kissing when the ball drops though... I guess it's just right now that I'm thinking about how horrible last year at this time was. Well not just this time, but the whole time I wasted from Decemeber 2002 until the beginning of June 2003 when I was dating Brandon. I wish I could of seen then just how much I really wasn't happy. I guess you could say I was content, but even that isn't the right word. I was merely dealing with the cards I was dealt. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't fully unhappy either... I just knew I could be a lot happier... and now that I've found that someone to make me the happiest I've ever been and ever will be, I realize more and more how unhappy I used to be last year. Even then, Chris was my highlight and I went out of my way just to see him.

Yeah... hey, I never mentioned what I got Chris for Christmas! Well, I already tol you about the picture and frame, but I also got a couple other things. I bought him a snowman Christmas ornament that had a firefighter's hat on and it was holding a hose, and a necklace with a shield that has a Bible verse from Joshua on it about strength. I also bought a light blue blanket and with the help of my grandfather and my grandmother's new sewing machine, I embroidered something special on it. It said, "Chris & Jo 2003" and then a quote under that that said something like, "When we find someone else whose weirdness is compatible with ours we call it love- true love." I'm missing a part in there about joining up in mutually satisfying weirdness, but I can't quite rememeber how it fits all together. But anyways, you got the idea. It's a really cool quote that fits the two of us. :p

Hmmm, yeah I hope tonight is as special as I imagine it to be. It's our first New Year's together. We're gonna stay here at my house for supper and have crab legs!!!! Yippie!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited, lol, but Chris isn't exactly feel'n the excitement like the rest of my family is, so he'll prolly have pizza or something, I dunno.

Wow, I feel like I am missing a crap load of stuff I wanted to talk about, but I can't think of it so I guess I'll be ending this entry for now. I'll be back after New Year's to tell you about what all happened and anything else I can remember about the past few days that I forgot to tell you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!! (Trust me, this is going to be a great beginning to a great year! I can feel it.)

:D

(By the way, Chris and I's engagement announcement was in the paper this past Saturday morning!!!!!)

in loving memory of mark
My neighbor, Mark, age 14 (two days older than my brother), died today because of some sort of heart problem. He was born with a heart deffect of some sort, but I'm unsure of what went wrong with his body today in which to send him to the Baltimore hospital. I knew of this information earlier today, and found out around 7 today that he hadn't made it. When I was telling Chris about it, I broke down. I've known this kid all my life and him and my brother and I would play tag and stuff all the time as kids. His mom would always warn us about running Mark to long because of his heart. He was a good kid. He loved to laugh and play t-ball and baseball with his friends in the back yard. Now, all I can think about is how excited he probably was about this Christmas, and now his parents have to put away his gifts without seeing his excited face of anticipation and excitement after he found out what each gift was. Now all I can think about is not hearing his laugh when he jumps out of the car when his family returns home from shopping or going out. All I can think about is how his family will never be able to take a "family vacation" again. He has a wonderful family, I just hope they can find happiness and a comfort in knowing they will oneday be with their son again.

I'm gonna have to end this entry now, so I can go to sleep to keep from crying and breaking down a million times more. I just wanted to breathe a little by writing out some of my thoughts.

You were and still are greatly treasured, Mark. We love you and miss you and I can't wait to play dodge ball with you in Heaven.

cold and sleepy
I know I didn't sleep well last night 'cause I could remember that I had dreams when I woke up. I ONLY remember my dreams when I'm not fully asleep in the first place. I've been tired all day. I'm working from 9 until 5 now that I'm not in school 'cause I finished Monday with two finals. I can't wait to see the paychecks now for the next few weeks! Hehe.

I'm really curious to see how I did about my grades. I know I passed everything; however, I still am iffy about my Introduction to Visual Arts class. I failed my mid term and I only did 2 out of 6 of my teacher's online quizes because everytime I went to take them, he didn't have them posted like he said he would and the next day in class he would have an excuse and say that he would post them that night, and of course I would always forget. So, yeah, he posted our grade for the final online and guess what... I did a lot worse than I thought. A 48%. I don't know what to think. I just hope my few A's on writing assignments will pull my grades up... a lot, lol. Hmm... I really shouldn't be laughing because if he passes me, it'll only be because he either feels bad for me or just doesn't want anyone to fail. The only encouragement I have right now that I passed that class is the letter he wrote to the class online saying, "Congratulations on completing ART 101. Rest well over the break and reconnect with family and friends." One can only hope I guess.

I am so excited about Christmas and Christmas Eve. Chris has got me really excited to know what he got me. I haven't been able to get him exactly what I wanted to this Christmas because of money and the sheer fact of finding exactly what I want, but I'll find it for his birthday in June. For Christmas this year, I've gotten him a few things I know he wants and/or will really like. I just hope he likes everything. I'm so glad he is spending Christmas with my family and that I can be a part of his. It's gonna be great... and Christmas Eve is only a week away from today! Yippie!!!! :)

Of course, Chris is at his class tonight, so I can't wait for him to get home. If only that boy knew exactly how much I love him. He says he does, but I still think he doesn't fully know, lol.

It's been weird. I know that like all of my class is home for Christmas break and yet I haven't bothered to talk to any of them. And the weirder thing is, that I honestly don't care. Sure, I think it would be great to hang out and have fun, but I'm not in any hurry to contact any of them before they try contacting me. In the past, I would call them all the time just to say hi, and anymore I've simply lost interest. In one sense, I'm just happy being with my man, but in another sense I miss having my friends around, but it's something I'm gonna have to get used to. In 16 months, I'll be in my own home, with my husband... and hopefully a poochie of our own to call our baby, lol, and during all this, my classmates will still have like at least 2 more years of college. I'll be settled down before they probably even seriously think about it. I love that though, but it's kinda weird too, but in a good way. Friends are special, but not as special as the one you chose for life. It's just been great so far, sharing everything with him.

I want him to come home to me!!! :(

Humph, I'm gonna go back down and see if my dad needs help making whoopie pies. I helped for a little bit, but then he said he would mix the rest of it because two people would just complicate things and so he said he'd call me when the whipped cream center was made... and baked halves were done so we could make 'em and put em together and all. If you know what whoopie pies are you'll know what I'm talking about, if you don't... then you are seriously one deprived person! :p

i want icecream!!!!!!!!!
Dang crappit! I want icecream! Ever since my dad and brother left around 4pm to go to the creamery and found out it was closed... I've been craving it! I tore both freezers in the house looking for something icecreamy and... NOTHING!!!! I'm gonna cry... go crazy... something! I can't take it! I can't drive anywhere to get any either cause the roads are too bad! Ahhh!!! And to top it off I'm still bored as crap and can't get my mind off of wanting to see Chris and wanting some chocolate icecream!!!!! Grrrr.... I'm becoming quite the grump now.

It was kinda cool earlier, Jeanine called. We talked about college stuff, and wedding stuff, and puppies, and pictures, and her boyfriend, and my fiance... and a bunch of other stuff. =) We're gonna get together sometime, but we don't know when. We haven't really been able to hang out that much since we graduated cause everytime she has come home from college... we either didn't get a chance to see each other or only had time to see each other for a little bit like the night our class got together. I miss that girl.

Tomorrow, I have finals. I have two, but over by 3:30 supposedly. After that, I am gonna see Steph at the library for a little bit to talk and give her her 18th birthday/Christmas present. I bought her some smelly stuff from Victoria Secret. Hehe, she'll love it. I'm gonna miss that girl too, when she transfers to a college in Ohio in the Spring probably. She's not sure if she's going or not, but she kidna thinks she is, so I dunno. When she leaves, I won't really have anybody. I'll have Debbie and a few other friends that are more like acquaintances and that's it, but people like Steph and Jeanine are those that I talk to and hang out with more and have more funnies and memories with. My life is changing so fast. Before I know it, I'll be married... and we'll have a place of our own... and hopefully a puppy romping around and a few years after that a kid crawling around. It's gonna be great, but it's also kinda sad thinking about growing up and losing contact of friends. I'm just glad I'm marrying my best friend... which makes everything better... and in the end... perfect. =)